Dear heart MaluLani: Today is not a good day to die! PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU TO HOLD ON LONGER, I PROMISE IT WILL GET BETTER AND EASIER ONE DAY - ONE DAY YOU WILL FEEL HAPPY AND YOU WILL BE HAPPY TO BE ALIVE. I was suicidal when I was 14, and now I am 44 and have wonderful sons - and PTSD from being molested and raped. I am BEGGING YOU to hold on, not for the present but for your future. IT WILL GET BETTER even though it does not feel like it RIGHT NOW. All of my LOVE is being mentally sent to you. I am going to pray for you to Mother/Father God - the Universe, etc. Please call somebody you know, or knew, or a hotline PLEASE. Please call a HOTLINE actually, they are the only one who might really truly understand. The world would suck if you were not in it.

Hello Maria, I want to tell you a little about my beautiful little sister. From the time she first became a teen she gave my parents hell. She did everything under the sun to defy out parents, the even moved across country to save her but she still found a way to get involved with more bad people and do more things she knew would only hurt herself and mom and dad. She stole money for drugs, had sex with lots of people, rob, ran away to be with men, got pregnant at 14 and 15 my parents had to rise her children, but they parents still tried to love her.

At 18 she decided she didn’t want to live anymore, she thought it was a good time for her to die, she talked about committing Suicide for so long and everyone said oh she will be ok shes just depressed,

In her letter she wrote, she said, “I am a fuck up, everyone will be better off with me gone. I have done nothing right, so I am going to hell anyway.

My sister chose to end her life and leave us alone to deal with the aftermath of her death. We haven’t gotten over it yet, my parents are in their 80’s now and they still cry for her, her children are adults and they were young children when she died and they still cry her, I still cry for her.

See we all have done thing in life we regret, God knows I have? I started on that path when my sister killed herself, I had sex with lots of men, did drugs, I stopped caring, I felt lost and alone, she left me here to suffer alone.

You may think it is a good time to die but sweetie you have to know the people you leave behind will suffer even more with losing you. So I tell your life is really hard but look to you children they are what give you a purpose to keep moving forward. I know for me mine do. Maria I see in your last few post suicide is all you are talking about, I do wish we all can help you through all that is hurting you, BECAUSE it is not the answer…my prayers are with you.

Jennifer

Thank u all for your comments. Jen im sorry for your loss/

I honestly dont think it will get better, im nutts. I feel bad for hurting my family-mostly my kids thats why its hard not to just go through w. it. other family members love me-but they'd get over it-my kids i feel bad for.

I am alone a lot of the time and have many reasons to be suicidal. I don't trust a lot of people from the things that have happened to me and I don't have much going for me right now unfortunately.. in any aspect of my life really. And sometimes I get depressed but i know that suicide is not the answer. why end something that could turn out so amazing in the end? i have so many plans for my future and things i want to see happen, don't you? there's so much you would miss out on, if you did that. when you get sad make a list of all the things, people, whatever that make you happy instead or day dream about the future or what you would like to happen in life. Use your imagination in s positive way and let that be an escape from your negative thoughts. And I'll end this by saying I don't know why you're feeling the way you are, but I'm telling you that you have SO MUCH to live for.

I too have a terrible loss. My brother died from an accidental overdose. I still grieve for him as do all of my family. I have a poem I wote that I want to share with you ok? I suddenly awoke and death was calling my name. He wanted to destroy me and take my life. But I heard a loud cry of war. And my spirit angel threw himself between me and death. With one great yell and a swift move, he withdrew a mighty sword and attacked death......keeping him away from me. My heart was filled with warmth. And my strength returned. I was engulfed in a bright light as my angel destroyed death! My heart was filled with hope again. By Kathy April 19th, '12. Please find your strength in your angel? God will see you thru this!

Im so sorry for your loss kc55.

I had plans for the future-use to hope things would get better-i;ve even started achieving my goals-half way done w. nursing school-doing well in classes-heck i even started to overcome my fear of driving on expressway--but things haven;t gotten better. Im still plagued by anxiety-still have numerous past regret-and ties w. things i deel awful about. Anxiety really is what is killing me slowly. ive tried to get help w. it=tried to be positive but nothing helps. i really think im just crazy and weak person. I think anxiety will always stand in the way of my future dreams. i thought my husband was being a jerk when he claimed to worry about me becoming a nurse since i dont handle stress well-but he was right-i have anxiety now over other things that have happened to me-so how the heck am i going to handle daily stressful even life or death situations as a nurse/doctor does. Anxiety has made me not enjoy normal things i use to enjoy in life-worry about everything. i fear if i continue to live w. anxiety i;ll become a drunk or drug addict-since i cant cope-and that be worse for my children and myself. i;d rather them have good memories of me-then have me in their life-but hate me. I wish i had strength to fight all this-but its hard to be positive when u tried so much and nothing helps. I have good/positive opportunities-to achieve things i thought i wanted-but anxiety takes over my life-and its a struggle to get through the day-do normal things-so i know anxiety will hinder me from achieving future goals-and never being happy.

SO sorry to sound stupid or be so miserable. i wish i was posiitive-but i cant put myself in that mindset right now without lying to u all and acting ok.

I really dont have a strong faith in anything. i tried praying and even going to church. considering even going to confession but dont know if any of that will help since i dont have a srong faith. i dont know if there is anything afterwards-but death doesnt scare me-i see it more for a release from pain of living--if i dont exist i wont be suffering, I do worry if there is a God/etc bc il likely going to hell-but it wouldnt matter if i died today or 50 yrs from now on that aspect and i dont think i can be forgived for the things of done.

Maria! Please read and reread all of your replies! I love you so much and I care about you so much! I know a lot of people that love and care about you! I am sadden of the way you feel right now! I know how you feel! We are all by your side!

I have really bad anxiety too, we are here for you and we are right by your side!

If this were me talking like this what would you tell me?

Love you! Hugs for you!

Thank you for caring. I care about u all as well. im just really done right now and cant deal w/ anxiety/

honey I can understand the pits of depression in which you find yourself! I've been there and others have also. I couldn't take care of myself at the time. Much less take care of anyone else. I never thought I would climb out of it (or should I say claw my way out) I felt like I was slowly dying at the time! But honey there is a God! And I cried out to Him and he pulled m out of that pitt and I began to heal. It took time, and therapy and medicine.....and my days aren't perfect! But I'm better with Him than without Him! And God has given each of us our own angel. I have one and you have one!

I wish i had ur faith honestly. it would be comforting. ive tried to pray to god. even prayed to my dead mom-but nothing helps. Maybe i dont deserve to have anyone to help me i dont know. i abandoned god long time ago so wouldnt really expect to have an angel or anything like that.

Hi everyone, I haven't gotten Maria's permission to tell you this, but I think in this instance, it's more important that you all know the truth and the truth is... Maria and I talk several times a day, thank goodness because I too, am worried about her. Maria is a strong young woman and she is a really good person but she doesn't see it that way.

Her depression/anxiety is at it's worst for her right now. She's talking about suicide alot and that is alarming and scary because we love her so much. I don't reply to her online here especially when it's serious. But stay in contact with her off board as does her family. We speak several times a day. I just don't want you ladies to fear that she's all alone because I know that would jsut tear your hearts up.

We must all ban together for our Miss Maria, just like we are doing here.

We love you Maria, Suzee

DON'T DO IT!!!! I'm also in despair but am still here. You will be hurting your family and friends more than you know. It's not fair to them as well.

Thank u all. i know i am not alone-both on here and in my daily life i have great family and friends who love and care for me. i appreciate their love-but sometimes anxiety is so bad-it feels like i only want peace. but i hate hurting people-and dont want to do it. i know i dwell too much in my problems so will try distracting myself. thank u all again.

I wish you had all our faith too. No matter what we have done in life, we can change what we have done. You may have abandoned him but my child he have never abandoned you. He has you wraped in his arms just like he has me, and everyone else. We all make horrible mistakes, thats what they are MISTAKES! SO we ask for FORGIVENESS for them and if the people we have hurt dont forgive us than that is up to them and THEIR GOD. As long as you do your part Maira, and ask for forgiveness you have nothing to worry about.

When you think God has forgotten about you, you will see his foot print in the sand behind you.

I'm not trying to preach God to you because you have a mind of your own. Just listen to these people here, they do all love and care about you, LEAN on them, YOU are talking at them. Sweetie just talk to them. You came here for support let them SUPPORT you like you are SUPPORT them.

IF you think I have overstepped my boundaries I am SORRY. I just feel you are hurting so much, its like you are carrying so much on your mind, LET IT GO HUN, JUST LET IT GO,

I wish I could wrap you in my arms right now I would hug you forever

I am hurting alot and no one is overstepping boundaries. i honestly wished i had faith--ive seen it help many people. but ive tried praying-i dont hear god or even feel a connection. i;ve even tried talking to my mom whos dead=people always claim their with us-well mexican family believes that-yet nothing-i dont feel like i have any connection w. my mom anymore either-or like she isnt with me.

I do have loved ones living im grateful for but nothing helps the anxiety at times. i know im hurting them--i use to never say when i was hurting out of fear of upseting others-but i do want help=its just i cant seem to get better even when i try. i feel awful for being so selfish,

I am hurting alot and no one is overstepping boundaries. i honestly wished i had faith--ive seen it help many people. but ive tried praying-i dont hear god or even feel a connection. i;ve even tried talking to my mom whos dead=people always claim their with us-well mexican family believes that-yet nothing-i dont feel like i have any connection w. my mom anymore either-or like she isnt with me.

I do have loved ones living im grateful for but nothing helps the anxiety at times. i know im hurting them--i use to never say when i was hurting out of fear of upseting others-but i do want help=its just i cant seem to get better even when i try. i feel awful for being so selfish,

Marie
I understand your pain and anxiety. It is hard some days to pull through "some days" so today is just that a day where you have yo fight that fight not just for yourself but for those that care about you. Today is one of thise days for me but i have to consider "it could be worse" i could be in a wheelchair, i could have a child with severe disabilities to care for i could be homeless. But i am not im here and WE just have to get through today.
I was on Methadone for last eight years and it worked wonders for me. I know sounds bad but my pain management doctor asked me one question. How do you want to live the rest of your life? It got me out of bed, taking care of my kids, and back to work. It took away the pain enough that i no longer took sleepong pills, muscle relaxer, and anti depressants. And of course prilosec for all the stomach issues those pills caused. I am off of them only to see if i can deal long enough to have a baby. Then im goin back on them so i can live my life. Mot one bed ridden and depressed an popping millions of other drugs to try to survive. I only took one pill a day.
I dont lnow if this will help anyone but it helped me. Dx fibro last 15 years.

of COURSE you still have regrets and anxiety and depression... it JUST HAPPENED TO YOU!!! give yourself some freaking time to heal! if what happened to you had happened to me... would you beings aying right now "Hey jess, buck the fuck up... get over it already??" i don't think so.

with a truckload of love I say to you, knock it off... be sad, be angry, be scared... whatever is it just BE.

I get why i have anxiety but honestly i cant deal. i feel like im nutts. I shouldnt be so down-i do have good in my life-many blessings. and opportunity but im down--and having constant anxiety-with awful physical symptoms makes me unable to enjoy anything-worry how i am going to cope w. possible anxiety attack. its trigger unknown they just come over me-i could be in movies. out w. friends -unstressful things-or even at school-or at home doesnt matter. Its horrible. Its gotten so much worse last few wks-i know why but i cant fix it. its so bad i bring alchol w. me-little bottle just in case i have a panic attack bc it will semi calm me to not freak out. Im so sorry for being so down. i hope tm i am much more optimisitic. honestly

I used to be the person I hated most. Sometimes, you need that despair to let yourself know that change in your life is needed. Emerge from it and you will see light everywhere. I'm started a blog iusedtobethatguy.com with advice stories and struggles and I experienced in the darkest times of my life feel free to take a look and read. Hopefully they can be of some inspiration for yourself.

"crying" but not out of pitty because you dont need that,

"crying" out of love because you deserve that

"crying" for understanding, because we are that

"crying" for piece of mind, I hope you get that

"crying" because Maria you are worth that

CRYING

Malu, today IS a good day to die. Any day is. But it is also a good day to live. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I have been suicidal for almost 30 years, but have never even attempted it. In my situation, I have a hereditary chemical imbalance. Meds only help a little bit. I have been to several councellors before, but I just started going to a Christian councellor who isn't just going to have me talk, but is going to give me tools to help me actually get better.

I wish you hope and a long, happy life.

Thank u. i wish u a happy life too RT DAve. thnx everyone else. .

Yikes

Wow, unknown. Just, wow. As someone who has been fighting against the urge to kill himself for almost 3/4 of his life, I feel that I have the right to say what has helped me the most. Which I did.

Malu also seems to have been receptive to it. It is a cliche for 2 reasons. First of all, it is a true statement. Secondly, it has helped many people think about what they are contemplating beyond the here and now, myself included.

Also notice that I didn't just leave her with a cliche, but added something that I thought might actually have longer reaching effectiveness. I did forget to mention that along with looking for a Christian counsellor, she needs to find one that is female. Opening yourself to someone, of the opposite gender, as you have to in that situation, can open up a can of temptations that can ultimately only end up doing more harm than good.

So, let me close by saying that you should take your FU attitude and comments to Newsvine.com, or some other site that not only accepts it, but expects it. People here are actually seeking help, and attempting to help. I would be willing to bet that you are:

1) A liberal
2) Under 30, and likely under 25
3) Not suicidal, or at least havent been for long, or not very often
4) Been in and out of mental "hospitals" and fed loads of crap until the insurance money runs out and you are declared cured.

Please, correct me where I am wrong.

1) I didn't say FU to you. I said that you have an FU attitude and comments.

2) I read through all the comments twice, and have no idea where your statement of "Also using the word "suicide" in your response will not cause a suicidal person to proceed." came from. No one said anything like that. Also, having been depressed so long that it is the only way I know to be anymore, I know that people who are tapdancing around your emotions only makes things worse, just like people who post comments soaked in venom.

3) I would bet money I don't have, based only on the anger, hatred, and FU attitude you put into your posts, that #1 (at least) IS correct. Conservatives tend to be much more caring AND helpful. At least in my 42 years of expirience, anyway. Oh, I would also bet that you are an athiest, or at least agnostic. You will deny it, but that is what I am expecting.

4) I am not suicidal "at times" but almost daily. By that, I think I DO have a very good understanding of the problem, as well as some of the things that have helped me when things were at their darkest. I also have a pretty good idea of what is counterproductive.

I love you like a brother, but you need to find someplace that people don't go to trying to find help for actual problems to make yourself feel better by berating others. I will pray for you, as well as Maria. (~B

Departureunknown.... we have copies of all the sick emails you've shared with Maria and I know you'll be bummed to know, she's still alive!!

Poor Maria preyed upon by yet another sick man!!!

Say goodbye departure

My emails with Maria were not sick.

Too many people fail to understand a simple fact of life - we will all die. Some of us will choose when we die.

I have been reading all this and am not very impressed - but of course no one on this planet has a duty or obligation to impress me ... "now or ever".

"Boys" ... take your debate to your own thread ... and allow me to read the threads of the people I care about in peace.

departure... I think you really need to be here but your frickin "everyone needs encouragement to off themselves" attitude sucks. if that's how you feel about your own life I am sad for you and I hope you can find help... but I hope to GOD you are not private messaging my suicidal friend encouraging to hurt herself, if you are then you have lost my support.

He is

Jackass... God forgive him.

Jessica - I did not encourage Maria, or suggest she should proceed.
I have mixed feelings about intrevening and Marie may not like the fact that in the end I did. I msged another person here who had called Marie's family. " "everyone needs encouragement to off themselves" I can assure you that is not what I am telling anyone. What I will tell anyone that cares to listen is that it's your life and your choice. But - that it will hurt people left behind and the person who makes the death choice may end up much worse off (in a hospital bed for life for example)

btw I have Dr's, therapists and meds - but like some others here I live without a purpose everyday. Depression is an unseen killer, wrecking many lives.

I have had varied views about GOD throughout my life. At times I have considered myself somewhat religious, but definitely not now. After my suicide attempt last summer the religious types were the ones telling my (ex) wife that I would turn into a homicidal maniac.
They told her she would rot in hell if we stayed together. That is a fact that I live with everyday.

Jessica I have appreciated your support in the past - especially knowing you place me in the same group as your ex husband.

I hope we can all join together and wish Maria a healthy and safe recovery. In fact that maybe my next post.

OK, you have not seen my last post above.
Suzee I asked you to intervene - what is your problem?

i will see how i feel when i see the information she is talking about... i hope to god it's not true. i have tried to be encouraging to you Depature... i hope your depression hasn't led you to do something distructive and harmful.

So this is going to be a B.S forum of innuendo ...

Departure. I have now seen some of your communication with Maria and it's twisted, absolutely... I'm just confused about what's going on and what the hell you are doing here. for support? support for what? It's just sick. You need real help.

Yeah.... it's very very disturbed. Especially the part where he's telling her to not let people like me (Suzee) stop her and for her just not be a coward and get it done! He was pissed that she was going to put it off by a few hours. Her children would be better off without her..... and folks, this IS yesterday as we were all trying to help her here. She was as close as suicide gets and had I not texted her.... He's been telling her that her depression and shitty life will NEVER be better and she should just have some dignity and do it. Maria's been depressed for about 5 months... she's 21... chances are she WILL feel better one day for sure.

Please be very very careful people. If anyone is telling you things that are pro-suicide, stay away from them. Also if they try to lure you to a pro-suicide website, please let Support Groups know ASAP!! This is a SUPPORT GROUP in the sense of getting help to get BETTER and/or support in like circumstances and diseases. I really don't think this site should be a free for all for people who can be harmful to your journey and recovery.

Still in shock, Suzee

Hi IM Maria;s sister. I just wanted to add that clearly Maria is suffering & needs help. Departure if you advocate suicide or think its ok/personal choice then you are also very troubled and need help. I think you and my sister maria are two sick people who are in so much pain you are justifying suicide in your heads and came together to "support" each other in that process. Very sad, and i really hope you both get help. My sister is only 21 yrs old- hopefully has a whole life ahead of her-anyone older then her knows how much things change in a few yrs/let alone 10-20 yrs, she has 3 beautiful children who need her--she's a kind & sweet person that nothing would make it ok for her to give up/take her own life. I do not understand what it is like to be suicidal but I would imagine you would have to be in great pain to even think about it. I really hope you both are able to get help, stay away from anything that encourages or is ok with suicide, and if you want to support someone who is suicidal-please dont accidentally or on purpose encourage them to go through with it--but -please tell us loved ones/family members what we can do to support and help someone who is stuggling with suicide-what really helps. I know I feel very helpless right now because I dont know what to say or do, and all I can do is pray & hope professionals are able to help her. I cant imagine life without my sister-especially at her own hands. It is not her body her choice-she has numerous loved ones needing her--including 3 dependent children who would be lost without her. Im speaking from my heart when i say i really hope you both get help-so you can see why when thinking healthly no one would be ok with or encourage suicide for anyone.

BS and innuendo!
Strongly suspect your religious beliefs overshadow any mental capability!

I'm w/Mike, this turned into a free for all instead talking a friend through.

SG, this is ashame.

Im religious but i respect others who are not-including my sister. I understand an argument for terminally ill-my own mom faced hospice care but never did she think of ending her own life--even in extreme pain.knowing her time was limited she always wanted to fight and make the best of life-because she didnt want to leave her family-knew her children still needed her. I only hope Maria can remember our mother;s strength to overcome so much--how she;d was at school plays right after chemo-, how on her death bed she was comforting us-her children--and how she found a way to keep on fighting and not give up until God was ready to call her into heaven. People find strength in different things-for me my faith helps me-but for others it can be anything under the sun. I dont know you-but I know Maria. Maria loves so many things in life-her children, family, friends, pets--even school. She use to have such an optimisitic spirit-and found joy in little things. But she is young, been through hell on earth-things i cant even imagine, she has a hard time opening up, and she;s very impulsive-all very bad things when deciding to end one;s life-something that is permanent decision. Im only on here because I love my sister, dont know how to help her, am so grateful to the numerous people on here who have supported my sister/tried to help=suzee for letting me know what was going on w. her-since Maria doesnt talk about her problems much--and i really hope anyone who is considering suicide reaches out, seeks help, because they can get better, things change, and loved ones would be lost without them.

Beautifully said Veronica!! THANK YOU!!! and you have been a great help to maria. One word you used really struck a cord with me. You said impulsive and that describes Maria's moods perfectly!! She doesn't need any encouragement to do something rash because she's so exhausted by her struggles that it could have ended horribly...

Thank you for all you've done to help! You are an awesome person and you're going to make a really great mom (in just few weeks!!!)

Big hugs, Suzee

....

Thnx you Suzee =) You are too kind.

JessC please dont loss trust in this support gp. Ive seen how much you help each other & become like a family. Maria was really struggling and suicidal on here own;I think when someone is in such a dark state like that they justify to themselves that suicide is ok/ their choice-and if they meet people just as ill as they are-they both justify it together. Very sad all around. That is why i trully hope anyone who has suicide thoughts or worse plans--reach out for help.

... departure. please leave this woman alone.

MaluLani i hope you are ok. Please dont give up. Anxiety is hard to deal with but it can get better. I hope we hear from you soon. How;s your boston terrier-i bet he can always make you laugh!

Departureunknown-im not really sure what happened-but in your posts i have seen in the past you being suicidal. How are you feeling? Im here if you feel like talking & i hope you can get help if you are battling depression. Worse thing to do when depressed and suicidal is to idealize suicide & talk w.others who are considering it/justifying it==it can then become an obsession. Please reach out to us if your feeling suicidal. What;s going on? Maybe we could help in some way. Best Regards-Jen

I have been thinking about you every day. Please hold on. I have read through some of the responses and will finish tonigh (I have a therapy appt. I have to go to for PTSD due to incest as a child) --- I am sure someone has already suggested it and you have probably responded already, but some antidepressants can really help with anxiety. I don't think it is possible to just "try to think positive" for anybody who is depressed and/or has anxiety. It just doesn't work. I tried it. Doesn't work. I'd think "I should feel grateful" and "if holocaust survivors can deal with life, I should be able to" -- doesn't help or work. Medication can work, if it doesn't then there is another kind to try. Yoga and exercise can help some, but depressed people don't have a lot of energy or hope, so medication is so important!! I cannot stress that enough. I care about you very, very much.

Hey FU2, you sound really familiar, Departure... will you please just STOP with the angel of death crap?

sometimes medication isn't the answer... true... but sometimes they can help take the edge off while you deal with the psychological aspect, soemtimes it's a combination of psychological and chamical imbalances and sometimes it IS chemical and medication is all that CAN help.
is she inpt now? she wouldn't be there unless they felt she needed the support.

Hey "DAVE" ... is that you?

How is your mummy and daddy?

How many other users are you? I also think you are someone else as well.